Ease your heart and mind...

Mentally drained.

Ended up staying home today because my daughter was sick and needed to stay home from school - and unfortunately the husband and son are out of state on a fishing trip.  I really needed to get back into the office today but I had to do what I had to do.

So she rested and I worked.  But later in the afternoon we had a pretty intense conversation.  We were discussing something else and the conversation transitioned to the amount of stress she feels like she is under.  So we started to talk about it.

It came as no surprise that the majority of her stress was more worry - worry for me.  Worried about what happens if I have to go into the hospital again.  Worried that there is no cure.  Worried about what they would have to do if I didn't have my TPN line any longer.  Just worried.

It was a hard conversation to have - especially when she is old enough and smart enough to realize if I am lying and could very easily go on the computer and look everything up.  So I was honest with her.

I told her that yes there is a possibility at some point in the future I might have to go in the hospital again.

Told her it was most likely my own fault that my last hospital visit was for 9 days - because I waited to long to go to the doctor.  That if there is a next time, I won't be doing that again.

Told her that for right now, I'm fine.  This was one was kinda sorta a lie - but I'm not in the hospital so I am fine.

I told her that yes there is no cure today.  But who knows what the future holds.  Someone may not find a cure for a while, but maybe someone will find another treatment option.

I told her that I don't know what my future with Gastroparesis is, therefore if I spend every moment consumed with the what ifs then it will weaken my mind and ultimately my body.  I told her instead I try every day to live my 'normal' life and asked her to do the same.

I told her that not every patient experiences the same symptoms or outcomes - so there is no way for me to know what lies ahead for me.  Instead I need to focus on today.

It was an emotional conversation.  Afterwards she went in her room for a bit - maybe ten minutes.  The rest of the night has been great.  It's as if a burden has been lifted off of her shoulders.  I explained to her - just like I have been telling everyone else - if she has questions or is starting to stress about something, especially related to my health, that she needs to come talk to me.  Don't let it build up.

I wish I had more answers for her.

I wish I had more answers for me.

But I don't.

It's taking each day for what it is - some days are ok and others not so much.  The days where it is not so much, the best I can do is hope tomorrow is better.

Here's to hoping that tomorrow is better.