Just keep keepin on

I am not exactly sure where my head is at right now.

Life has been pretty chaotic lately - so much so that I am finding myself struggling some moments to stay on top of everything at hand.  My amount of sleep each night seems to be becoming less and less - which doesn't help my body or brain operate fully the following day.  I feel like there is no real balance in my life at this point - no more me time.

My stomach is pretty much on full time distension mode - I am not anticipating seeing my normal belly anytime soon.  Need to do some shopping tomorrow for more belly friendly clothing for work - my closet has shrunk dramatically.  It's frustrating and I'm kind of kicking myself in the butt right now for throwing away all of my 'fat' clothes a year and a half ago when I lost all my weight.  I had in mind that I would never go back to where I was...little did I know that this condition would force my body to stuff out of my control and those clothes would have fit everything right now.  Frustrating.

My sister-in-law has her sister checking in with an acupuncturist to see if they do any treatments for gastroparesis.  I am willing to try alternative medicines at this point - within reason.  I am not one of these people who will just start taking all kinds of crazy stuff - but I believe in the power of massage and also acupuncture.  So I am keeping my fingers crossed.  I would really like to get at least a little relief.

But, life doesn't slow down for me to have a bad day - all though there have been some days lately where I don't make it off the couch.  I have to try to keep pushing through.  Keep trying to find the things that work.  Keep trying to find clothes that fit and that I feel ok in.  Just keep trying.

What other option is there...

So I have repeatedly woken up each morning with a distended abdomen and very uncomfortable - after praying and hoping the night before that I would wake up feeling better.  Well, so far my hopes and prayers have gone unanswered - but I will be thankful that I am waking up each morning. 

Cause sometimes there are more important things to be thankful for - right?

This condition is taking a lot out of me - especially physically.  But, as I've said before sometimes the key is to remain strong mentally or emotionally.  Right now though, I am mentally tired.  Tired from being sick but also tired from forcing my body to continue to go through the motions of what needs to be accomplished each day. 

But, I am being blessed each morning of waking up - so I need to try to make the best of each day - to the best that I can.

Some days - that might mean that I get out of bed and make it to the couch.

Some days - that might mean, I get my daughter to school, go to work and take care of all of my evening commitments.

Some days - that might mean that I get out of bed and make it to the couch :)

Some days - may be better than others and I can do a marathon cleaning of my house

Some days - that might mean that I get out of bed and make it to the couch

You get the idea.

Trying to make the most out of each day - cause really, what else do we have?

Slower than a snail...

The last 48 hours have definitely not been good and I am praying that when I wake up tomorrow I have some relief.

So I removed the nausea patch earlier this week - but I think I may be experiencing some of the side effects from it still.  One of the ones that was front and center - constipation.  Now, based upon my last sentence you may want to stop reading this blog now.

There are many gastroparesis sufferers who also deal with constipation issues on a regular basis.  I happen to be one of them - my stomach itself is basically paralyzed and my intestines just don't do what they are supposed to do.

Most people will experience constipation from time to time - whether it be diet related, medication induced, etc.  And for most people, having a bout of constipation is nothing serious.  But dealing with almost chronic constipation can come with serious implications.

I try a medication - and it compounds that issue more.  Most doctors won't prescribe pain medications, due to them causing constipation as a side effect.

So I've taken my laxatives for the evening, hoping they do what they are supposed to do.  Hoping that this severe abdominal distention that I am experiencing right now is minimized when I wake up tomorrow.  Hoping that both of these happen, as it will result in some other stuff improving.

I'm tired.

Of it.

Gone with the blink of an eye...

Too busy to think.

There is something to be said about being so busy that you just don't have time to be tired.  Don't have time to think about pain.  Haha, don't have time to think about being hungry (or not being hungry).

It's not until just a few moments ago that everything that I was feeling today that I was too busy to dwell on earlier - is now all coming crashing down on me.

That now that I am in my pajamas my belly continues to swell - almost as if my clothing from earlier was constraining and holding everything in.

My eyelids are progressively becoming heavier - my hope that I will sleep well tonight.

I'm not really hungry per say - but I also know that I did not consume nearly enough calories today - something which I will probably regret later.  Either because I will become hungry in the middle of the night or my energy levels will be lower tomorrow because I didn't give my body enough fuel today.

I guess if I needed to find a positive to take away from today - it went by so fast but I was able to accomplish quite a bit.

Sometimes being busy is a good thing.

Lullaby and good...

Sleep.

I love to sleep.  Seriously - I love to sleep.  It's as if my body just can't get enough.  Doesn't seem to matter what time of day it is, I could lay down and fall asleep for several hours.  Doesn't matter if I had taken a nap during the day, I can usually fall asleep that night at a fairly early hour.

Now I can't say that this is something gastroparesis related, because I was the same way when I was a kid.  But I definitely think it plays into or is a symptom of of my autoimmune issues.

Sleep is an important part of your body's regeneration process - which has me puzzled some days that my body isn't healthier for the amount of sleep I get - just sayin'.  But I am not sure the type of sleep you are getting is an important part of that equation as well.  That is one thing I can say about my amount of sleep is that it is not quality sleep.

I wake up numerous times throughout the time I am asleep, mostly due to body pain.  Whether it's that I am awoken by an intense pain in my abdomen, a shooting pain through my back or pain in my joints - I can just never seem to get comfortable for a long period of time.

But for now I am up and debating whether or not there will be a nap in my future today.

Change in plans...

So my plans of yesterday were altered.

After jumping out of the shower yesterday afternoon, I noticed that my current patch was only half way on.  So I had a choice - tape it down with medical tape so it stays in place for one more day or just remove it.

I removed it.

In that moment - of my head pounding, the nausea still strongly present and my energy levels pretty low - I came to the conclusion that the patch was not helping me and that I didn't want to spend another day with these added symptoms.  I figured I would see how I felt for a few days without it and that would help me decide if I would try them again.

Well.  My headache is gone.  The abdominal pains are back to their 'normal' levels.  The constipation which was increased from the patch has been eleviated.

So I think my decision has been made when it comes to the patches.  Not really up for taking medication which intensifies my symptoms - the symptoms are hard enough to deal with at their normal levels.

On to the next plan...

It's not working...

So far I gotta say I am not seeing any improvements with the patches.  If anything I have acquired a new symptom - constant headache.

Tomorrow is Day 5 for this patch.  So I will swap it out for a new one and then I will see how the subsequent five days go.  If after those five days I am still not seeing an improvement and this headache thing still remains, than I will be ditching the idea of using the patch.  The only reason that I am even considering doing the additional five days is because I have some down time from working and thus the 'luxury' of being able to rest if need be.

I've also been having some intense abdominal pain, but I don't think that is related to the patch - but then again it could be, who knows.  Guess I might find out for certain if I stop the patches in the near future.

What I do know is that I am trying to detox my body a little.  I've gotten into the habit of drinking more caffeine - whether it be coffee or soda - because it helps give me that energy rush since my energy levels are pretty much non-existent.  But I am working on cutting that back - not going to go full cold turkey because that will only intensify my headache I'm sure.  But it's time to try to get back to drinking more water and stuff.

I was looking at pictures of me of what I looked like before I got sick.  I just look so much healthier - thinner - clearer complexion - fit.  It still boggles my mind to some extent that my body is just holding onto every ounce it has even though I barely eat.  I know my body is in survival mode, but you would think I would weigh about 100lbs right now.  I know it's going to be hard - it might actually not be possible - but I want to try to get back to looking like I did in 2010.  It's depressing to see pictures of me now compared to then.

Anyhow.  So one more round with the patches and then I will make my final decision if they stay or go - but if I had to decide right now, they would go.  Not making me feel any better and they are jacking up my head.  Time to rest.

To Do List

The beginning of a new year.

Wondering what 2012 will hold for me.  Looking back on 2011, I never would have imagined everything that happened had you asked me in 2010 what my new would hold in store for me.

There obviously was a lot of negative stuff that occurred this past year as a result of my gastroparesis.  I had two failed Botox procedures.  Spent nine days in the hospital due to malnutrition and dehydration.  Spent two months on TPN treatment.  Had a falling out with my gastroenterologist and started to see a new one.

But there have also been some positive things that happened as well.  I took my first trip to New Orleans with an amazing group of friends for the weekend - laughing until I cried, tasting some good food and dancing the night away.  I took my first trip to the Outerbanks - spending a week in a house with an awesome friend and her kids, laughing until I cried, pushing my body way over its limits, witnessed two friends get married in a beautiful location and enjoyed the time with my daughter.  Saw my first live UFC fight.  And I know there are many many more happy moments that I am just drawing a blank on right now because I am too tired to think.

This year is starting off a little rocky health-wise, but I am still trying to find the positives to focus on and and what I would like to accomplish/strive for in 2012 (not in any particular order).

- Organize my house

- Re-do my family room (new carpets, new couches, new television, etc.)

- Have an amazing garden

- Spend more time canning this year

- Be successful in my job

- Witness both of my children hit milestone birthdays - 18 and 13

- Get back out on the mat

- Spend more time with family

- Be a better mom and wife

- Do something creative

- Go on a trip

- Re-do my kitchen

- Have more healthy days vs. sick days

But for now, it's back to sleep.

Happy New Year.