Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Being grateful...

I've been in the hospital now for a week.  Definitely did not think I would be here this long and unfortunately at this point, I don't know when I will be getting cut loose either.  I did ask the one doctor today when they decided to not do the endoscopy - my first response was "So when can I go home".  She danced around it.  Apparently there are some other issues, especially the nausea, that they want to get under control before sending me home and at the end of her statement she said "So we can avoid having to make incisions and placing tubes just yet".  What?!?!  How to do we go from me being nauseous to me needing major surgery?  I didn't ask anymore questions - not wanting to have that conversation right now.

Today was also the day for my picc line to be placed.  I had never had one before but definitely wasn't prepared for what was involved.  Lots of time getting everything set up - basically a mini-procedure done bedside.  The picc nurse would give me some lidocaine in the location she was planning on placing the line and using an ultrasound machine she then used a needle to poke around inside my arm trying to access a strong deep vein.  She was poking around and suddenly I had a sharp pain shoot down my arm and my fingers were tingling - I asked if that was normal and she said no.  We had hit a nerve.  She located a vein and started to thread the line in but I could feel it grinding inside my arm.  I asked her if that was normal - she said no.  She mentioned that the vein wasn't as large as she was hoping for but that I shouldn't have been able to feel anything.  She removed the needle.

Using the ultrasound wand, she searched further up my arm - readjusted the surgical drape covering my arm and gave me another injection of lidocaine in this new location.  Everything was smooth sailing from this point - didn't feel anything else she was doing and she threaded the line up my arm and into my chest.  She would get everything hooked, bandaging and coverings in place and then wrapped over everything with some gauze wrap.  She told me movement was my friend, that my arm would be sore today and most likely tomorrow as well.  They would do a chest xray to make sure the placement of the line is in a safe location (still haven't heard back on the results of the xray, so keeping my fingers crossed that we are good and we don't need to do that over again).

And I should have listened to her when she said my arm would be sore.  HOLY!  As soon as the lidocaine wore off, my arm was throbbing.  The picc line is located on the inside of upper portion of my right arm - in between my so-called bicep and triceps (we'll just say muscles).  I eventually gave in and decided to ask for some pain medicine.  Definitely a smart idea, as it has allowed me to move my arm more which is going to make it feel better sooner.

I have been completed overwhelmed at the amount of support that I have been receiving from various people in my life.

From my client who has been amazing through everything I have ever been through.  Who are completely understanding and have insisted that I put my health first.  Who know that there will be some modifications in how I will be able to dress and that I will most likely have my TPN set up with me.  I couldn't ask for a better group of people to work with.

From those that I went to high school with and in many cases, haven't seen them in years.  I was not the person I wanted to be back in high school and went through a lot of stuff - but who hasn't, right?  But I guess I am still taken back by all of the kind words, prayers, offers to help, etc. from people who haven't seen me in 20 years.

From those at my mixed martial arts school - where I used to train and my daughter still does.  I honestly cannot put into words the emotions that I feel knowing that this group of people - a group of people that are like family to me - are rallied behind me.  We talk a lot about non-quitting spirit and not giving up - and we understand the importance of mental strength to succeed in life.  My situation is no different.  It is going to be critical to my success that try to remain mentally strong.  Not that I am not going to have days where I am an absolute mess, where I am frustrated about being sick - but I have this group of people who are willing to help hold me up while I find my strength again.  People offering to make meals for my family - so that I don't have to worry about cooking or more importantly right now don't have to prepare food that I cannot eat.  Something which I am still struggling with.  People offering to do grocery shopping, run errands, ensure that my daughter gets to her training - even if it means taking her NJ to get her Joshu fix.  I am just blown away at this amazing group of people and am blessed every day to have them as part of my family.

And I have to do a special call out to my ninja sisters.  This group of women who lets me break down when I need to - lets me shut down when I need to - and who love me anyway.  Women who come just to hang out with me while I am here in the hospital.  Women who will text my mom, to let her know that they are thinking of her - knowing that even though I am a full grown adult, that my mommy still worries about me.  Women who just know me and let me be me.

And then there is my family by blood.  My husband who is worried but who is staying strong for me - who insists that I get the care that I need and that the doctors are crossing their Ts and dotting their Is.  My children.  My son, while quiet, loves me and is doing everything he can to help where needed.  My daughter, who sends me numerous text messages letting me know how much she misses me and loves me.  My brother who comes and sits with me, and all though the beginning of our conversation starts with his leg bouncing a mile a minute and I can see the look of concern in his face - him being there with me means more than he will ever know.  My parents.  My parents who drive my family down here, so that the fun car doesn't have to be brought into the city.  My parents who will make an early morning run down to bring me some supplies because mother nature decides to be just a little bit more of a pain in the ass.  My mom - who takes my daughter shopping for school supplies, takes her to the book store, buys her a new lunch bag, comes to my house (even though my husband took the day off) to make sure my daughter's first day on the bus is a smooth one.

I am fighting every day against this disease, not only for myself, but for all of these people as well.  I want to be around for a long time.  I've had a few people these last few days comment to me about the people in my life who are supporting me - and that the reason it is happening is because what you put out into the world is what you get back.  That they know if the roles were reversed and it was my former classmate, co-worker, friend, or family member in this situation that I would be doing the same for them.  And they are right - I would be there for someone in a heartbeat.

Be there for those in your life you care about - not because you have to, but because you want to.  You would be surprised at what your words alone can do.  I have cried a lot this past week, but most have been tears of amazement that I am surrounded by these wonderful people.

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