Trying...

Laying here tonight with a belly that is making it difficult to see the keyboard and screen - as it continues to swell - I am trying my best to not focus on the pain and discomfort. But if I'm honest, there are times where that is easier said than done. This morning as I rummaged through my closet trying to find something to wear, I grew frustrated. None of my pants could be zippered or buttoned. Dresses that hung in my closet that didn't have the zipper issue, but looked hideous on me with my severely protruding belly. I finally found a skirt and top that were going to have to do. I arrived at work and struggled to walk from my car to the office building, as the pain and pressure being caused in my chest was making it difficult to take a good breath. Spent another day taking pain medication that does a mediocre job of making me comfortable. I try hard to keep a smile on my face. I try hard to continue with daily activities and routines. I try hard to focus on things besides my health. This condition is frustrating. While it doesn't define me, more and more it seems to control my life. It ruins plans with family and friends. It has kept me from being able to go into the office and work. It is damaging my self esteem. It stops me from eating foods that I love or from being able to enjoy an adult beverage. And then my heart aches - hearing of others affected by this condition and those who have lost their lives as a result of this disorder and the complications it causes. In about a week and a half, I will have my appointment with the specialist. Someone new that I started to see last year and had to stop due to changes in my job and insurance. But things are not good now and the timing of this appointment is becoming more important each day. I need a new action plan. I need this pain managed. I need my herniated stomach repaired. I need to know why a portion of my stomach is protruding that wasn't before and that it is painful to the touch. I need to see some type of improvement, instead of feeling that every day is a step backwards. Until then, I will continue to try to keep the smile on my face.