Trying...

Laying here tonight with a belly that is making it difficult to see the keyboard and screen - as it continues to swell - I am trying my best to not focus on the pain and discomfort. But if I'm honest, there are times where that is easier said than done. This morning as I rummaged through my closet trying to find something to wear, I grew frustrated. None of my pants could be zippered or buttoned. Dresses that hung in my closet that didn't have the zipper issue, but looked hideous on me with my severely protruding belly. I finally found a skirt and top that were going to have to do. I arrived at work and struggled to walk from my car to the office building, as the pain and pressure being caused in my chest was making it difficult to take a good breath. Spent another day taking pain medication that does a mediocre job of making me comfortable. I try hard to keep a smile on my face. I try hard to continue with daily activities and routines. I try hard to focus on things besides my health. This condition is frustrating. While it doesn't define me, more and more it seems to control my life. It ruins plans with family and friends. It has kept me from being able to go into the office and work. It is damaging my self esteem. It stops me from eating foods that I love or from being able to enjoy an adult beverage. And then my heart aches - hearing of others affected by this condition and those who have lost their lives as a result of this disorder and the complications it causes. In about a week and a half, I will have my appointment with the specialist. Someone new that I started to see last year and had to stop due to changes in my job and insurance. But things are not good now and the timing of this appointment is becoming more important each day. I need a new action plan. I need this pain managed. I need my herniated stomach repaired. I need to know why a portion of my stomach is protruding that wasn't before and that it is painful to the touch. I need to see some type of improvement, instead of feeling that every day is a step backwards. Until then, I will continue to try to keep the smile on my face.

Has it been that long?

It has been quite a while since I've sat down to this blog. In part it's because life has been really chaotic and by the time my evening rolls around, all I want to do is go to sleep.

My body has been tolerable, well for the most part. I've been trying to drink this tea that I received as a gift, cause it seems to help with some of my gastroparesis side effects. This past week I have been so good with drinking it and I've seen a difference. Need to get back to drinking that.

I have a business trip coming up - to London. Never been outside the states before! To say I am nervous would be a bit of an understatement. I'm looking forward to the trip, but nervous about how my stomach is going to act - there is no option for me to not feel well. Thinking I will pack my tea for the trip - along with the tramadol and zofran!

Right now though, time for bed :)

Just keep keepin on

I am not exactly sure where my head is at right now.

Life has been pretty chaotic lately - so much so that I am finding myself struggling some moments to stay on top of everything at hand.  My amount of sleep each night seems to be becoming less and less - which doesn't help my body or brain operate fully the following day.  I feel like there is no real balance in my life at this point - no more me time.

My stomach is pretty much on full time distension mode - I am not anticipating seeing my normal belly anytime soon.  Need to do some shopping tomorrow for more belly friendly clothing for work - my closet has shrunk dramatically.  It's frustrating and I'm kind of kicking myself in the butt right now for throwing away all of my 'fat' clothes a year and a half ago when I lost all my weight.  I had in mind that I would never go back to where I was...little did I know that this condition would force my body to stuff out of my control and those clothes would have fit everything right now.  Frustrating.

My sister-in-law has her sister checking in with an acupuncturist to see if they do any treatments for gastroparesis.  I am willing to try alternative medicines at this point - within reason.  I am not one of these people who will just start taking all kinds of crazy stuff - but I believe in the power of massage and also acupuncture.  So I am keeping my fingers crossed.  I would really like to get at least a little relief.

But, life doesn't slow down for me to have a bad day - all though there have been some days lately where I don't make it off the couch.  I have to try to keep pushing through.  Keep trying to find the things that work.  Keep trying to find clothes that fit and that I feel ok in.  Just keep trying.

What other option is there...

So I have repeatedly woken up each morning with a distended abdomen and very uncomfortable - after praying and hoping the night before that I would wake up feeling better.  Well, so far my hopes and prayers have gone unanswered - but I will be thankful that I am waking up each morning. 

Cause sometimes there are more important things to be thankful for - right?

This condition is taking a lot out of me - especially physically.  But, as I've said before sometimes the key is to remain strong mentally or emotionally.  Right now though, I am mentally tired.  Tired from being sick but also tired from forcing my body to continue to go through the motions of what needs to be accomplished each day. 

But, I am being blessed each morning of waking up - so I need to try to make the best of each day - to the best that I can.

Some days - that might mean that I get out of bed and make it to the couch.

Some days - that might mean, I get my daughter to school, go to work and take care of all of my evening commitments.

Some days - that might mean that I get out of bed and make it to the couch :)

Some days - may be better than others and I can do a marathon cleaning of my house

Some days - that might mean that I get out of bed and make it to the couch

You get the idea.

Trying to make the most out of each day - cause really, what else do we have?

Slower than a snail...

The last 48 hours have definitely not been good and I am praying that when I wake up tomorrow I have some relief.

So I removed the nausea patch earlier this week - but I think I may be experiencing some of the side effects from it still.  One of the ones that was front and center - constipation.  Now, based upon my last sentence you may want to stop reading this blog now.

There are many gastroparesis sufferers who also deal with constipation issues on a regular basis.  I happen to be one of them - my stomach itself is basically paralyzed and my intestines just don't do what they are supposed to do.

Most people will experience constipation from time to time - whether it be diet related, medication induced, etc.  And for most people, having a bout of constipation is nothing serious.  But dealing with almost chronic constipation can come with serious implications.

I try a medication - and it compounds that issue more.  Most doctors won't prescribe pain medications, due to them causing constipation as a side effect.

So I've taken my laxatives for the evening, hoping they do what they are supposed to do.  Hoping that this severe abdominal distention that I am experiencing right now is minimized when I wake up tomorrow.  Hoping that both of these happen, as it will result in some other stuff improving.

I'm tired.

Of it.

Gone with the blink of an eye...

Too busy to think.

There is something to be said about being so busy that you just don't have time to be tired.  Don't have time to think about pain.  Haha, don't have time to think about being hungry (or not being hungry).

It's not until just a few moments ago that everything that I was feeling today that I was too busy to dwell on earlier - is now all coming crashing down on me.

That now that I am in my pajamas my belly continues to swell - almost as if my clothing from earlier was constraining and holding everything in.

My eyelids are progressively becoming heavier - my hope that I will sleep well tonight.

I'm not really hungry per say - but I also know that I did not consume nearly enough calories today - something which I will probably regret later.  Either because I will become hungry in the middle of the night or my energy levels will be lower tomorrow because I didn't give my body enough fuel today.

I guess if I needed to find a positive to take away from today - it went by so fast but I was able to accomplish quite a bit.

Sometimes being busy is a good thing.

Lullaby and good...

Sleep.

I love to sleep.  Seriously - I love to sleep.  It's as if my body just can't get enough.  Doesn't seem to matter what time of day it is, I could lay down and fall asleep for several hours.  Doesn't matter if I had taken a nap during the day, I can usually fall asleep that night at a fairly early hour.

Now I can't say that this is something gastroparesis related, because I was the same way when I was a kid.  But I definitely think it plays into or is a symptom of of my autoimmune issues.

Sleep is an important part of your body's regeneration process - which has me puzzled some days that my body isn't healthier for the amount of sleep I get - just sayin'.  But I am not sure the type of sleep you are getting is an important part of that equation as well.  That is one thing I can say about my amount of sleep is that it is not quality sleep.

I wake up numerous times throughout the time I am asleep, mostly due to body pain.  Whether it's that I am awoken by an intense pain in my abdomen, a shooting pain through my back or pain in my joints - I can just never seem to get comfortable for a long period of time.

But for now I am up and debating whether or not there will be a nap in my future today.